The laws of physics are the law of consequences

In the sleek metal bodies, we drive, sitting still, the world outside whizzes by, but we are removed – relativity at work. Yet not so removed, we are frail flesh in steel cages, and the laws of physics are the law of consequences when one is in an accident. Damage happens so easily, life altered in a slow motion loop played in my head, a split second of screeching tyres and mangled metal, mangled me, at the time.

So it begins. The end of one life, the start of this one.

If only one could escape, turn off one’s mind, the place where the neurons collide and collude. Where pain truly resides, and confusion, and questions one is afraid to ask, and answers one is afraid of knowing, but knows anyway.

I try to escape, with meditation, with my beloved work, with books and music, with doing things to distract my mind, when my body cannot do as I wish, but can only painfully, so painfully remind me of the frailty of flesh. When this fails, with drugs, additions to the everyday input of nausea inducing, weary making medications, adding their own burden to a struggling body.

One tries to live in the moment, to not look ahead, to face the endless future of this as my fate.

My body anchors my mind, traps me in the now of pain, and warns me of days to come.

I struggle with the pain of my body, and the anguish of my future. I am so tired, if only I could sleep. If I was not needed by my children, who I cannot betray, could never let down, will never fail, then I could escape.

I cannot escape, not while they need me. I can only struggle with the bad days, and make the most of the better days, and be prepared to pay the price for pushing myself beyond the boundaries when it is required. I never mind the price, I just struggle to pay it. If it was just me, the price would be less, for they would not miss out on a mother than can do more with them. Ironically, the price is often due to them needing me to do something like attend events that challenge
my physical limitations. I haven’t missed one yet, or not found a way for them to do. Just wish, most of all, I was more for them. They pay a price, too.

There are consequences. Travel carefully.

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