Tired, awake, and in pain. A fortnight of this while meds are in adjustment mode (new ones obviously failed, despite doubling this week). Rolling over wakes me if I do drop off. Evilback(tm) truly being so.
And yet, I am damned lucky.
I am rich in family, my beloved offspring, my darling father, my wonderful brother & sister in law, my friends who are family anyway.
My kidlets are healthy, intelligent, and incredibly nice and fun people to be around. Amazing beings I am beyond privileged to be blessed by. I am as proud as hell, and justifiably so, of who they are, and who they are becoming.
My friends are really also family, (as indicated), and are cherished and individually irreplaceable. I have a real and strongly trusted group of reliable dearones for life. My tribe. Tribe/family is ALL. I cannot express my gratitude, my deep love for you all.
Online, many delightful and also cherished friends too:) More lucky!
I have creative outlets opening still around me. The joy these bring is not quantifiable.
I have part time work I enjoy greatly. It has meaning and worth beyond the hours and pay. I value it enormously. The people I work with are friends as well as respected colleagues.
And starting to build a business on the side of part time work that I can do on my bed even when the pain renders me stuck there. It will, one hopes, allow me, in some future, even more independence:) Finally, I am using my technical skills in a creative and deeply deeply wonderful (to me) way!!! And with someone inspiring, technically talented, terribly intelligent and creatively gifted, a mindbogglingly amazing designer, and allround gift in himself. So terribly lucky he has chosen to share his incredible talents and friendship with me:)
I am still (mostly) mobile. And relatively independent, but terribly grateful for the huge support and practical help my family/friends/colleagues give me, and their tolerance/acceptance of my limitations.
The COPER program I am finally going on is a pain management program, an intensive week long combination of serious drug adjustment, psychology (though in assessment, they thought I was far ahead in that), and physio. And peer support. Hope for even a measure of relief.
My dearly loyal dogs are by my side, my Labrador instinctively here at the darkest pain times. The Greyhound snores in obvious solidarity 
)
My home, this dearly loved place, holds ne safe through the night. Such a wondeful home.
I am in a healthy place relationship wise, a special place. Single, safe.
I finally have the perfect tech setup. For a geek, that matters!!!;) Much surprised by my sudden love and respect for Apple. The dark side not only has cookies , it has SHINIES!!!;)
My equally brilliant and inspiring online life, barely referenced here. No pain there!
Books and music. Tv and films. And so much more I haven’t listed here. There is joy in my life. And wonder. And laughter.
So, if I have to endure pain and lack of sleep, well, what gifts life gives me in well and truly tipping the scales in favour of a lucky life!
I will get through this darkness, as the others. And here has been the reasons why despair will not win.
Not drowning, typing.
hear hear xxxx