September 2009Monthly Archives

Just testing some amazing new Mac tools.  Have I mentioned how much I love my..oh. Yes. Sorry. It is just – well, it is so SHINY!!!

Here I am, piped annoying radio blaring too loud (theory, a bit loud for more elderly demographic here?). Need to talk about latest meds ( haven’t slept in 3 weeks since starting, AND no pain relief gain), and the damnable coper situation. She has fought so hard to get me on, but thought it was a week, 3 weeks impossible while working. Doing the psych component already anyway. Physio, have all the print outs of what pto do, and I try. But the pain clinic, to seriously manage my drugs, oh please!! Something long term slow release, instead of pills…something that WORKS.
Doctor 40 mins late already, sigh

Tired, awake, and in pain. A fortnight of this while meds are in adjustment mode (new ones obviously failed, despite doubling this week). Rolling over wakes me if I do drop off. Evilback(tm) truly being so.

And yet, I am damned lucky.

I am rich in family, my beloved offspring, my darling father, my wonderful brother & sister in law, my friends who are family anyway.

My kidlets are healthy, intelligent, and incredibly nice and fun people to be around. Amazing beings I am beyond privileged to be blessed by. I am as proud as hell, and justifiably so, of who they are, and who they are becoming.

My friends are really also family, (as indicated), and are cherished and individually irreplaceable. I have a real and strongly trusted group of reliable dearones for life. My tribe. Tribe/family is ALL. I cannot express my gratitude, my deep love for you all.

Online, many delightful and also cherished friends too:) More lucky!

I have creative outlets opening still around me. The joy these bring is not quantifiable.

I have part time work I enjoy greatly. It has meaning and worth beyond the hours and pay. I value it enormously. The people I work with are friends as well as respected colleagues.

And starting to build a business on the side of part time work that I can do on my bed even when the pain renders me stuck there. It will, one hopes, allow me, in some future, even more independence:) Finally, I am using my technical skills in a creative and deeply deeply wonderful (to me) way!!! And with someone inspiring, technically talented, terribly intelligent and creatively gifted, a mindbogglingly amazing designer, and allround gift in himself. So terribly lucky he has chosen to share his incredible talents and friendship with me:)

I am still (mostly) mobile. And relatively independent, but terribly grateful for the huge support and practical help my family/friends/colleagues give me, and their tolerance/acceptance of my limitations.

The COPER program I am finally going on is a pain management program, an intensive week long combination of serious drug adjustment, psychology (though in assessment, they thought I was far ahead in that), and physio. And peer support. Hope for even a measure of relief.

My dearly loyal dogs are by my side, my Labrador instinctively here at the darkest pain times. The Greyhound snores in obvious solidarity )

My home, this dearly loved place, holds ne safe through the night. Such a wondeful home.

I am in a healthy place relationship wise, a special place. Single, safe.

I finally have the perfect tech setup. For a geek, that matters!!!;) Much surprised by my sudden love and respect for Apple. The dark side not only has cookies , it has SHINIES!!!;)

My equally brilliant and inspiring online life, barely referenced here. No pain there!

Books and music. Tv and films. And so much more I haven’t listed here. There is joy in my life. And wonder. And laughter.

So, if I have to endure pain and lack of sleep, well, what gifts life gives me in well and truly tipping the scales in favour of a lucky life!

I will get through this darkness, as the others. And here has been the reasons why despair will not win.

Not drowning, typing.

“A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes that she is beautiful – he just hadn’t noticed it at first.”

“Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you can be as modest and dignified as your persona requires.”

- From the Notebooks of Lazarus Long, Robert Heinlein